More from Dr. Kathy Allen’s recent trip to the North Shore of Lake Superior. Missed the first in the series? Here’s a link.
This morning I woke to a foggy day on Lake Superior. It was so thick you could only see about 10 feet before the fog obscured the lake. The thing about fog is that you know what it’s hiding. You know the lake is there because you have seen the same view when there wasn’t fog hiding the lake. Later, on my drive back home, the same fog obscured the road. Again, you knew a road was there even if you couldn’t see it. It made me more cautious because I lacked a clear view ahead. This became even more problematic when I reached Duluth, Minnesota, because of the mountains that surround the city. The fog became impenetrable as I drove out of the city and into the mountains. The lesson from this experience is that sometimes you know what is there, even if you can’t see it!
What are some human versions of fog?
Human beings have emotions that, like fog, can be obscured in an interaction. Our emotions aren’t always congruent with what we say. But, I believe we know that emotions are behind each person’s talk and actions. For example, the emotion of fear is often behind language and actions of control. We focus on control without always knowing the emotions behind our actions.
Anger and Hurt
Anger is an emotion, but below that emotion usually rests another emotion of hurt. Again, like fog, the layers of emotion are concealed behind what is visible – anger. These two examples make me wonder what actions and language represent the deeper emotion of care, love, joy, and others. We need to become more skilled at seeing what we know to be there but is hidden at the moment.
For example, major elections in the United States are coming up in 2024. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see the emotions behind the rhetoric or the emotions behind our corporate CEO’s behavior and decisions? Wouldn’t this clarity help us be more selective about who we support?
Motivation
We know that people are motivated internally to act externally. But like the fog on the lake or road, we can’t see it. We might get hints of motivation when fog patches are thinner or fog on the road opens up. Seeing a person’s motivation is important because it helps us assess the congruence between their internal landscape and outward-facing behavior.
Congruence is a way we assess whether the person is trustworthy. If they are incongruent, they come across as inauthentic and untrustworthy. That is an important assessment when actively supporting our leaders or authentically engaging in our organization or community. The problem is that scammers, politicians, and corporate leaders are getting better and better at hiding their incongruence. That makes it harder for us to assess their motivations. Are they motivated by self-interest, care for the community’s future, profit, and protection of the planet’s health? These different motivations shape behavior, language, and telegraph how their motivations will impact society over time.
This leads me to a few important questions:
- How do you see through the fog of others’ emotions? Or even your own emotions?
- How do you see through the fog of others’ motivations to assess their trustworthiness?
I’d love to know the lessons you have learned to pierce the fog of emotions and motivations in others, so please share them in the comments.
I usually invite the universe to help me sense the congruity between landscape levels. Often I am guided toward small tells, but more typically it is the sense of harmony or disharmony surrounding and conveying interactional content.